Stay cool boys

Though I don't like the idea of being "cool," (I much prefer to think of being hot and fresh and different and new) I must admit that there are quite a lot of situations in which keeping a cool head can be very useful. When someone tells you something that takes you by surprise, for instance, keeping a level head can be very helpful. That way, instead of exploding with a rather immature spout of "OMGGGGG TELL ME EVERYTHING WHAT???" you can respond with a much more fitting remark.

I've been described by some of my close friends to be, in word, intense. And while I see that as a good thing, it can also be a bit of a burden. I get very excited about things, or very sad, or very whatever emotion is necessary. I guess I just feel a lot of whatever it is I'm feeling. I don't know why that is, but I know that I have been working on and I need to keep working on containing more of it. It has been a factor in damaging several friendships that I've had and I hope that I can repair some, if not all, of the damage. Staying cool is something that I wish I could do more often.

I guess you can compare me to my dog in that way. When she's excited, she is excited. It's all "oh a walk, my favorite, oh people, my favorite, oh the cat, my favorite!" with lots of exclamation points and wagging and wiggling. I don't wag, per say, but you could probably measure my enthusiasm against the enthusiasm of my dog with a pretty small difference in between.

This staying cool thing applies (for me at least) to both positive and negative situations. I wouldn't say that I'm over dramatic about everything, but, as I said, I just feel a lot, so that affects me a lot. I get very emotional in places where maybe it isn't the best time and place to be very emotional, which isn't overly helpful.

So whether it's a friend on Facebook who you find out is in a relationship or an archenemy who succeeds in spilling chocolate pudding down your favorite shirt, my advice for the day is to stay cool and not overreact. Yes, these things matter, and yes, you should be enthusiastic and intense about them, but try to find a line between when the intensity is helping or hurting the situation. If it helps, that's great. If not, tone it down a little. I can tell you from personal experience, the people around you will thank you for it.

Cheers,

-T.A.D.

Listen to your heart

Today I'm going to talk about thinking with your head and with your heart.

There is a wide spectrum between head thinking and heart thinking, and I would say that most people find a place in a median section. I like to think that I'm someone who is pretty balanced between thinking with my head and thinking with my heart. I'm probably slightly more towards the heart side of the spectrum, but I'm definitely in the middle 1/4 of the spectrum. It's something we learn as kids I think. At first, everyone thinks with feelings, and so we get hurt and learn from those hurtful experiences. Sometimes people decide that listening to their heart more is more helpful and sometimes people decide that listening to their head is more helpful. I've finally found the right balance (for me) of head and heart, but it was a long time of trial by error. Everyone comes to a place on the spectrum.

The real trouble, in my opinion, is when the place people find is at the very ends of either side of this spectrum. Let's make up an example.

[DISCLAIMER: while these examples are based on people I know, I am drawing the extreme examples from a variety of people I know, so neither "Friend 1" nor "Friend 2" actually exists. I don't personally know anyone at the very very tips of the spectrums, so this example is exaggerated]

Friend 1, let's call her Jill, is a head thinker. She prefers science and logic. Emotions don't make much sense to her, and she puts them aside because they cloud her judgement. There's nothing wrong with this way of thinking, but what I see as the problem is that her inability to understand her own emotions translates and spreads into an inability to understand many people's emotions, including but not limited to Friend 2. Jill has problems communicating her own feelings with herself, let alone the people she is close to, and this can be frustrating to the people in her life. Jill also finds herself very distant from situations, and she almost observes herself as merely a bystander, watching from the sidelines.

Jill has one friend in particular who she has a very hard time relating to.

Friend 2, let's call him Joe, is a heart thinker. He prefers to make judgements based on his feelings and what he feels is right rather than what people are "supposed" to do. He relies on his emotions for most decisions he makes. Again, there's nothing really wrong with this way of thinking, but Joe has some problems of his own. He finds himself very vulnerable since his emotions are so "out there." He is easily hurt because of his tendency to take most things personally. Joe has great difficulty distancing himself from situations. He puts himself in the middle of conflicts and so gets hurt. He, like all people, makes mistakes sometimes, and when he does, or when people around him do, he finds it hard to let go of the emotions surrounding past mistakes.

Jill and Joe have a hard time getting along. Joe feels hurt, as though Jill is distancing herself from him on purpose, and so he is constantly wondering what he's done wrong. Meanwhile, Jill is pretty much oblivious to the difficulties Joe is having, so when he mentions them, she claims that his feelings are absurd and inaccurate, which, while they are, is something that hurts Joe's feelings even more. He feels like she doesn't make an effort to understand him and thinks that Jill would be better off if she listened to her feelings more. Jill thinks that Joe can be silly about some things and she thinks that he would be better off if he used logic more.

Which one is right? Well, I think they both are. Jill needs to make more of an effort to understand her own feelings so that she can relate more to her friends. And Joe needs to think things through more and distance himself.

I have been Jill-like and Joe-like in different times in my life, and I'm much happier in my Joel state: a mixture.

Cheers,

-T.A.D.

P.S. I feel pretty accomplished now. Today is officially my blog's one month birthday. To my readers: even though you are small in number, I love you so much and thank you for your support. This is so much fun to do, and I love knowing that there are some people out there who read my blog daily.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

What is it about feelings that make them so gooey and raw and hard to deal with?

Sometimes I feel as though I have heightened emotions, as though I’m feeling everything that everyone else is feeling, just more of it. Maybe I just don’t see it and criticize it in other people the way I do in myself. Or maybe I have a heightened awareness of my feelings. Say what you like about me and my emotions, but I can almost always identify what I’m feeling. Not only that, but I actually literally feel it somewhere. Not all the time, but sometimes, when I feel something really intensely, I can feel it in weird places in my body. My step-mom (she’s a massage therapist, so she knows things) says that there’s a scientific reason for this: when you get an intense feeling, hormones and endorphins and all sorts of emotion signals are running through your blood and they get stuck like lactic acid in your muscles. That’s why we identify certain feelings with certain body parts.

That makes sense, right? I mean, we all clench jaws or fists when we’re angry. Everyone does those little things in response to emotions. What always baffles me is the rebound that comes with this. What gets stuck must come unstuck. Which is why when my step-mom is feeling generous and works on my neck and shoulders, I feel fear. Logically, it makes sense. But it’s still pretty freaky.

Then you have to deal with it all. Obviously you didn’t deal with it when you were feeling the fear or guilt or anger or whatever for a logical reason, so now you’re stuck dealing with it when you’re in a situation in which bundling up into a blanket or yelling at someone might not be appropriate. Feelings are out to get you. They say, “oh, you better deal with me now, when I at least make sense and you can identify why you’re feeling me.” (I guess feelings are pretty articulate and snide) But you say, why bother? It will only make this situation worse. Or maybe you just don’t want to deal with it. So you take a deep breath and you shove the feelings aside. And in your head, and maybe even in your heart, that works. You use whatever methods work for you, and you manage to suppress your feelings.

At this point, you feel pretty confident. “Look at me, dealing with my feelings.” Little do you know that four weeks later you’ll be exploding with the same rage that you bottled up when your sister spilled ketchup on you, except now it doesn’t make any sense because you know the stain is okay, it actually looks kind of artsy. Feelings are devious little guys. Then they gloat. “HAHA. You didn’t listen to me and look where it got you. Yelling at your grandmother about bacon trying to hold back tears. You think you can repress us? WE RUN THIS TOWN!” (wow, my feelings are sounding more and more like a mini gang inside of my head, or a small mob… I am part Italian…)

I guess the moral of the story is this: deal with your emotions when you feel them, or they’ll pop back up when you least expect them to.

Feelingly,

-T.A.D.