It's words that hurt the most

I've been talking to a friend recently, who has struggled with body image for a long time. I feel as though I've failed her. She's been getting better recently, and then today, boom. A few choice words from her mother and things are worse than ever. Words are so powerful that way. So hurtful. Especially from those we love and trust.

Unfortunately, the negative words always seem to have more power than the positive. So the hour of positive that I've been pounding into her seems to be for naught. Worst of all, the choices her mother made when speaking to her have now destroyed her image of the one thing that my friend did like about her image.

I've been friends with this person for going on five years now, and I feel as though I've failed her. I want to scream at her parents. I want to drive to her house and talk to her and get her to listen to what I'm saying. To get her to look in a mirror and see what I see.

Words. Such potential to hurt and destroy. But also to heal. And to inspire change. We just need to find the positive potential and use that instead. I think that if we were more aware that words are our greatest weapons, kids wouldn't be so cruel. Parents wouldn't be so inconsiderate. Friends would be more careful. And things like this wouldn't happen so tragically often.

Wow, way to end on a positive note. (Not)

-T.A.D.

We know that we will always be around

Friends are pretty damn wonderful, aren't they?

In my experience, I've found that friends are the people that have the most potential to either make you feel wonderful or make you feel terrible. Getting cheered on and encouraged by friends is so much better than getting encouraged by strangers. In fact, that can be a little creepy if you have no idea where they came from or how they learned your name. And while it's easy to walk away from an insult or some other shit that a stranger throws at you, I've found that it's really not nearly as easy to take that from a friend.

It makes sense when you think about it. You let friends in, close to your heart, so they have a greater chance of healing or harming your heart. We trust our friends, so when they say something that chances are they don't even mean, it's really hard to just let it go. Those comments stick with you like bristles in your socks.

But when you're in a bad patch, it's your friends that you count on to stick with you, just like those bristles. I have a handful of friends who have stuck with me through rain and shine, and who I know (or hope) always will. Perhaps it's just my own experience, since I know that Patrick, my cousin and one of my best friends ever, has a different opinion about family, but I've found that friends are the family you choose. You don't have to love them, you choose to love them. Isn't that so much more powerful?

Here's an example: As the child of four parents, I know that all of them (in a sense) chose me. My biological mom and dad wanted another kid after my sister was born, and so here I am. I don't mean to imply anything by my next comment, since I love all my parents equally, but I get so blown away by the fact that my NON-biological mom and dad walked into my life and chose to make me their daughter. My step-mom came into my life when I was eleven months old, and my step-dad came when I was around 7. I love the fact that they had the chance to choose; to reject; and they chose me.

So when I get close to a friend, or even a member of my family, I love hitting that point in our relationship where the friendship becomes a choice. You have to love your family, but you don't necessarily have to like them. My cousin Patrick is one of my best friends, and that isn't because of convenience or because he's my cousin. It's because we both chose one another. Sometimes you get to that point, I know I have, and you or the other person is disappointed by the choice that is made. Because you don't get chosen every time. And that's what makes it so much more powerful when you do get chosen. You can look back to the times when you weren't chosen and prove that maybe the person who didn't choose you made a mistake.

This whole concept of choosing is so powerful. It applies to almost every relationship. My dog chose me, and I chose her. My step-brother chose me. Half of my parents chose me. Patrick chose me even though his religion says that I'm going to hell. Isn't that incredible? We have to be careful about the choices we make though, because, as I said at the beginning of the post, the people we choose and who choose us are then given so much potential, both for harm or for good.

So make your friends happy you chose them. And make sure they know you're happy they chose you back.

Cheers,

-T.A.D.

It's so hard

I don't know why, but I seem to be finding myself in the middle a lot lately. It's a sucky place to be, in all honesty. You wind up getting hurt no matter who wins or loses. And it's always hard to see two people you care about having problems with each other. I guess I involve myself too much. I'm a good listener, I know that, but when you're a good listener, you always seem to end up hearing just enough to make you uncomfortable.

Sometimes it's great to be there for a friend and listen and give advice or whatever they need. I love being there for my friends. But being there for a friend when their problem is another friend? That's something I've never quite gotten the hang of. I always seem to end up upsetting the person who I'm supposed to be listening to by defending the person they are talking about. But at the same time, they just put me in an awkward position. Is it my fault for being there to listen and not telling them "look, this makes me uncomfortable" or is it their fault for not realizing that maybe I don't want to hear about how horrible another friend of mine is acting?

The blame game. Ugh, it's messy, it's hurtful, it's all-around awful. I hate playing it. And no matter what, the answer always seems to be both/all of you. I mean, everyone who is part of a conflict played their part, and therefore has their share of the blame.

Back to my original topic. I guess I just really hate it when people put you in the middle, or I put myself there, or whatever, because I always end up being the person holding all the blame. Suddenly it doesn't matter that Person A said this mean thing about Person C, it just matters that I am Person B and I won't pick a side. See, this is part of why I have such a strong feeling about maturity. I think it's bull. I think we learn to censure ourselves and we learn to be polite and respectful, but maturity the way most people define it is something that we say we have achieved, but actually haven't. Because here we are, still acting like five-year-olds. "Pick a side."

So I guess my message for the day is "no." Don't pick a side. Don't let them get mad at you for saying that something made you uncomfortable. You have the right to feel uncomfortable. You have the right to say, "no, I'm not going to be this middle person in this conflict because it's too much and I don't want to deal with this right now."

Funny though, because whenever we have rights, it always comes with a catch.

You always have to have the courage to use that right.

Cheers,

-T.A.D.

Why can't we be friends?

First of all, points to anyone who is sensing a theme in the titles (wow, all TWO of them). Yes, I love music and I am going to continue to attempt to make each blog title correspond to a song. You get brownie points if you comment with the artist and or song name. (Unless it's you, cousin Patrick)

You get the basic rules, but not the specifics. There's only so much that can be taught about being friends with people, and then you're left on your own. You don't know because maybe you aren't supposed to know. Maybe friendship, generally thought of as one of the most universally easy relationships to make and maintain, is not so simple. Friendship evolves and grows with you because friendship is as much a part of you as your nose.

Maybe that's why some people have to be taught how to share and to others, sharing is a natural instinct. We are taught that we make friends with people once we get to know them; that once we are in a friendship, we know the person. But in reality, getting to know someone and becoming friends with them are both things that need to be nurtured and continued. It is an expansive process, not just an agreement. You cannot ever know someone completely because people never stop growing. There is always more to know.

There is always more to love.

Because people never stop growing, the opportunities for change in friendships are endless. Some examples from my own life feature the good and the bad.

The bad: I've actually had this happen to me a few times. I get into these cycles where I feel like I know someone and they know me and we're both comfortable with that. Then something shifts, someone grows. And it's nobody's fault, but all of a sudden, we just don't click like we used to. While this is a hard thing to accept, I have found that letting go of blame or anger or sadness helps a lot. Two people make a friendship, and two people break a friendship. Yes, there are situations where this isn't true, where one person clearly does something that causes a fight.

The good: When I was a little kid, I used to see some of my cousins a lot more than I do now. In particular, I was really close to a cousin (let's call him Patrick) who was only four months (and four days) older than me. Then, for a multitude of reasons, almost none of them having to do with Patrick and I, we stopped seeing each other. We tried and failed to keep in touch frequently. Years went by, and it's not like I forgot about him or anything, but he just wasn't part of my life. A few summers ago, I saw him for a day. We hung out and after a few hours realized: "Holy crap. We're like... the SAME person."

I'm sitting in his house right now, after flying across the country to attend his graduation. And he's downstairs waiting to read this blog.

I think all I'm trying to say is, with friendship, you have to take the good and the bad. It's only through the bad that we grow and make room for new good. Always let people surprise you too. "Patrick" and I have a few fundamental differences, but we still end up being more similar than not.

I'll try to have something a little funnier and less... philosophical, though that's not the right word, tomorrow.

Until then,

-T.A.D.