And I can't fight this feeling anymore

What is it about feelings that make them so gooey and raw and hard to deal with?

Sometimes I feel as though I have heightened emotions, as though I’m feeling everything that everyone else is feeling, just more of it. Maybe I just don’t see it and criticize it in other people the way I do in myself. Or maybe I have a heightened awareness of my feelings. Say what you like about me and my emotions, but I can almost always identify what I’m feeling. Not only that, but I actually literally feel it somewhere. Not all the time, but sometimes, when I feel something really intensely, I can feel it in weird places in my body. My step-mom (she’s a massage therapist, so she knows things) says that there’s a scientific reason for this: when you get an intense feeling, hormones and endorphins and all sorts of emotion signals are running through your blood and they get stuck like lactic acid in your muscles. That’s why we identify certain feelings with certain body parts.

That makes sense, right? I mean, we all clench jaws or fists when we’re angry. Everyone does those little things in response to emotions. What always baffles me is the rebound that comes with this. What gets stuck must come unstuck. Which is why when my step-mom is feeling generous and works on my neck and shoulders, I feel fear. Logically, it makes sense. But it’s still pretty freaky.

Then you have to deal with it all. Obviously you didn’t deal with it when you were feeling the fear or guilt or anger or whatever for a logical reason, so now you’re stuck dealing with it when you’re in a situation in which bundling up into a blanket or yelling at someone might not be appropriate. Feelings are out to get you. They say, “oh, you better deal with me now, when I at least make sense and you can identify why you’re feeling me.” (I guess feelings are pretty articulate and snide) But you say, why bother? It will only make this situation worse. Or maybe you just don’t want to deal with it. So you take a deep breath and you shove the feelings aside. And in your head, and maybe even in your heart, that works. You use whatever methods work for you, and you manage to suppress your feelings.

At this point, you feel pretty confident. “Look at me, dealing with my feelings.” Little do you know that four weeks later you’ll be exploding with the same rage that you bottled up when your sister spilled ketchup on you, except now it doesn’t make any sense because you know the stain is okay, it actually looks kind of artsy. Feelings are devious little guys. Then they gloat. “HAHA. You didn’t listen to me and look where it got you. Yelling at your grandmother about bacon trying to hold back tears. You think you can repress us? WE RUN THIS TOWN!” (wow, my feelings are sounding more and more like a mini gang inside of my head, or a small mob… I am part Italian…)

I guess the moral of the story is this: deal with your emotions when you feel them, or they’ll pop back up when you least expect them to.

Feelingly,

-T.A.D.