Nothing ever dies

In my workshop today, we did free writes. One of which I'd like to share. I think I'm going to give it to you context free, because I feel as though it's open to interpretation. The one thing I will say is that this is from the perspective of a disaster survivor. This is not the final form, and so I would appreciate any constructive criticism. As I said, this was a free write, as in write whatever comes into your head. I hope you enjoy.

If I were a boy. If I were a boy I would be gone. Stolen away, never to be seen again. But I’m not a boy. I wasn’t taken myself, but part of me was. Part of me is gone. I am left behind to disappear and be forgotten.

Stillness. So much chaos, now stillness. I lie here. Slowly. How odd it is. This hollow feeling that started there, down low. It radiates up. Hollowing my chest. Hollowing me, from the inside out. It tingles; you wouldn’t think it would tingle. You wouldn’t think it would feel smell taste sound see. Hand tingling. I watch. Unmoving. Hand rests on the floor; I feel the dirt, I see the dirt. Take a handful. Dry. Unfeeling. Hold up my hand. I can see the dirt through my closed fist. Tingling for a few more moments. The sensation moves up from my hand. My wrist. Can barely see the skin. Just the earth now. Peripherally, I notice. My elbow. My shoulder. Spreads to the left side now. I hold up my invisible hands.

Tingling, tingling, tingling. Then nothing. A ghost? A shadow of who I was? I cannot be me any longer. A shadow. Invisible. I must be. I disappear. I cannotwillnotshall not m u s t n o t b e.

The alien part of me; the me part of me; all of me. I disappear. It’s better this way. I cannot see me. I see.
Ground.

I see.
A faint silhouette. All that remains of what was once a person sister daughter protector provider.

Fading. I smile. A Cheshire Cat, a sardonic smile, the last thing to leave. The last thing to be visible.

I stand.

Feel the ground beneath my feet. Taste the wind. but I am not “I” any longer. Hollow. Nothingness.

Because you can’t hate nothing.
You can’t blame nothing.
Nothing can’t feel shame, sorrow, guilt, grief, pain, failure.
Nothing can’t think feel touch want wish cry shout yell scream hate love die live remember forget.
You can’t hurt nothing.
Nothing can.

- July 17, 2010

So that's it right now. This is the third draft with the prompt I was given, but I haven't really edited edited, more like cut certain parts to make it more general. I need to shorten it.

I think we've all felt like disappearing at one time or another though. It's an interesting thought. The idea of escaping into nothingness because nothing can hurt nothing. I think stuff like this needs to be expressed, and I'm so glad that I have a form in which I can do that. Sorry again about yesterday's post fail. At least today's (actual today today's) is my own thoughts and words rather than someone else's.

Cheers,

-T.A.D.